Three years have gone by since anyone has talked to, seen, or touched our boy Cal. How could three years go by so quickly? I wonder what you would look like today and what you would be doing. Would you still be working as a DoorDash driver? Would you still be fishing all of the time? Who would be your friends? Would you meet someone nice to possibly settle down with and share your thoughts and feelings?
Cal, in my opinion, the last sentence of the previous paragraph might have been a game-changer for you. Mom and I have realized that you had a lot more mental health challenges than we ever knew - more than any outsider could fix. Somehow, in my heart, I believe that you may have been lonely, and that if you found a good girl to hang out and grow with, things may have turned out differently. That being said, I always thought I knew how to handle your situation and that you would overcome the challenges you had before you. I was convinced you could and would turn things around. That unfortunately was not the case. Those thoughts and feelings come from someone who thinks logically and doesn't suffer from the mental health conditions you had.
What can our family look forward to without you? We think about you constantly, and so much of what I do now is about you, helping keep your memories alive. As we're aging, we are forgetting more, too. While we remember you, we do tend to forget details as time passes. I'm hoping that Never Forget Me will allow ways for us to capture some of the details we may tend to forget as we age (how old were you then, what year did you pass, how old would you be now, stories we remember, things you said, etc).
You'd be proud of your sister. She's doing such a good job as she moves forward to become a nurse. I know she misses you tremendously. She's going through things neither Mom nor I ever had to - the loss of a brother. She has her whole life ahead of her and could have used your guidance as you both aged. You would have eventually been a good team, I think. She will always remember you, know who you were, the challenges you went through, and the humor and authenticity you presented.
Your mom misses you more than you could ever know. The hole in her heart is so big. She struggles continuously with your absence. What she would do to get a hug from you. The loss and pain are insurmountable. She cries a lot, most of the time behind closed doors. She was one of your biggest advocates. She would have done anything for you. I know she wishes we would have done more, but I also know she understands we did about as much as we could, and that we honestly didn't see this coming.
I wish things turned out differently. Nobody really understands this strange world - the struggles, the wins, the losses, the purpose. What we do understand is that we love you and miss you a lot, and we wish you were still here with us. That will never change.
Love, Mom, Dad, and Ann.
